Apo-cat-lypse

Apo-cat-lypse

While you wait for May 21, 2011, I thought I would provide you some apocalyptic entertainment.  Although my satirical story borrows some characters from LOLCats, it is purely apocalyptic literature, just as Revelation and other such stories are.  Apocalyptic literature is about doom and gloom, which was a popular genre around the time Revelation was written.  Such literature is not prophesy and I wrote this story in that tradition.  Ceiling Cat and Basement Cat are characters from various sources, including the LOLCats Bible, written by Martin Grondin.  The few leet speak words within the story did not originate with myself and are borrowed from the LOLCats Bible.  My story is purely fan fiction and no infringement intended.  I make no profit off this story or the characters thereof and it is for entertainment purposes only.  Various quotes from the book of Revelation, as well as other similarities, also did not originate with myself or even the author called John, but belong to antiquity.

Now that all the disclaimers are out of the way…  Enjoy!

Cats were once worshipped as Gods…
and they have never forgotten!

Once upon time there were two cats.  Most people think of them as Basement Cat and Ceiling Cat, but they had real names.  Basement Cat’s name was Lunifer, but was called Lu for short, and she had black sleek fur covering her body, with a white star on the front of her neck.  Ceiling Cat’s real name was Sol and he was pure white, with blue eyes.

The two cats often had an on again, off again relationship, because they did not always get along.  Thus, they fought often until one day Lu and Sol had a terrible battle.  Eventually, Sol threw Lu down into the depths of darkness.  This darkness is not what most people think, but she often does come up through the basement and this time she was not happy.  She reigned for a thousand years with destruction as Sol took a long catnap.

Meanwhile, Sol usually stayed up above and watched everyone beneath him, including when they took a shower.  He was quite happy doing this, but one day he became bored, especially after many of the people, both humans and other species, he created forgot about him and started worshipping other gods.  This made him very unhappy, because he loved all his humans and other animals dearly.  He loved them so much, he sent his son happy cat to them and still many laughed concerning his existence.

One day, while Sol was taking a long catnap, a lamb excitedly ran up to Sol shouting, “Sol!  Sol!”

“What is it, Ba?” Sol inquired as though it were just another mundane day.

“Lu got out of Darkness and she sent seven sealed bukkits to us, by way of Sirius, one of her legions,” Ba explained with a slight speech impairment.  “Or is that minions?  I forget, but he bad dog.”

“What is in them?”

“I opened some of them and found what all she’s planning down there.  It’s just awful!  She’s dominating the Mother Earth and stripped her bare of everything.”

“I missed it,” replied Sol.  “So how bad is it this time?”

“She’s eating the souls of humans!” Ba alarmingly exclaimed.  “Angel Cat, Angie, tried to stop her, but she is much too powerful.  Those seven bowls you gave Angie aren’t helping much.  The angel cats turned the water and sea into blood, which, ironically, the humans turned into wine.  The angel cats dried up a river, but those humans figured out other ways to make water.  Have you seen how those space faring humans make water?  Yuck!  Hey, where are you going?”

“I’ma geddin’ outta here and stopping Lu,” replied Sol with an mocking accent.  “Brace yourself.  Saving the humans who still pride cats is going to be a rough ride.”

“I’ma geddin’ with ya,” replied Ba with a similar accent.

“I see.  Lu is reigning with great terror,” Sol stated as he looked down at the cosmic scene below him.  “I’ll dry up the rivers and send a plague of rats.”

“Sir, she likes rats, and as I said, the Angel Cats already tried drying up the rivers.”

“Right.  Flees.  I’ll send a plague of flees.  She hates bugs,” said Sol as he looked down at the chaos below.  “Egads!  What’s wrong with Babs?”

“Babs, also known as Babylon the Great?  She’s having another blow out party and is drunk in the blood of saints and I think some of those who suffered martyrdom for you too, Sir.  It’s an open bar down there.  All you can drink for a cover charge of $12.  What else is she to do when she is rich and living in luxury?  Hell, she’s got seven mountains alone.  Last night, she had some sort of bizarre orgy and today it’s a wild party.”  Then with amazement, Ba burst out almost laughing, “Oo!  She just fell down!  There goes five more!  Lord, I think while you had catnap, you got pwnd!”

“No worries,” he stated with irritation as he set Babylon the Great, on fire.

“Ouch!” Ba flinched.  “That had to hurt.  Sir, don’t you think that was a bit much?  I mean, after all Lu gave her, you zap her with fire and damage the earth more?”

“I’ll clothe the Great Mother Earth again later, which, mind you, has been stripped bare due to Lu’s pillaging, with the help of her legions.  She has the blood of Mother Earth spilling in every ocean, after all.  For now I’ll send Mercury, Saturn, and Mars to the earth, while I ride down on Venus.”

“Your winged horsies, Sir?”

Sol stared at Ba, his precious lamb, with frustration, “Yes, I must ride on something and I need all the assistance I can get.  Tell Angie I’m on my way to help her.”

“You’re serious!  You’re going to do great battle with Lu again,” exclaimed Ba.  “This can’t be good.”

“The humans will spend most of the night by themselves as she and her minions go about their mayhem.  It is six P.M., we must make haste,” Sol insisted.  “You go on ahead, find the lions, and tell them, ‘These things, says RA, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creations…”

“But Sir,” Ba interrupted, “I can’t BA, I mean…  BA.  Never mind.  You know I have a speech impairment when it comes to R’s.  I can’t do it.”

“Do your best, they will understand…”

“Why not send Casper, the Holiest Spirit,” suggested Ba.  “He does it better with no problems making R sounds.”

Sol sighs.  “Casper will do then.  He who has ears, let them hear him.”

“I’ll send him right away, Lord,” Ba informed excitedly as he opened another bukkit.  “Ah Lord, this last seal, it has a book in it.”

“Eat it.”

“What?”

“Eat it.”

“The book?”

“Yes,” insisted Sol.

“OK, Ceiling Cat.  I eat it,” responded Ba and then he ate the book.  “It tasted good, Lord, like cookies.”

“Now get Casper and send him down.”

“OK, Lord,” replied Ba.  “Oh my, Lord!  You don’t look so good.  Either that or that book you had me eat is not setting well.  You have many horns and many eyes!”

“GO!” demanded Sol loudly.  “Send Casper, The Holiest Spirit, now!  I should be down there by six in the morning.  He can take care of things until then.”

“Yes, my Lord, but you don’t look so good.”  With that, Ba left Sol to plan his strategy against Lu.

“She’s done it this time, but I shall take care of her,” Sol declared staring down at the chaos below him.  “Never again will she disrespect our mother and my people, playing with them like they were toys.”

Not long after Sol sent others to help the Angel Cats, he rose on his horse, Venus, from the east as the sky opened and he rode through the morning sky.  He was logos in shining armor.

The crowd below saw him riding through the sky and roared, “RA!  RAMEN-RA!”

Sol finally landed and greeted them with, “Word to your mother!  We are not done yet, so we cannot celebrate now.  I still have to face Lu in one final battle.”

The crowd seemed disappointed.

“Cheer up,” he told them.  “We will stop her from raping Mother Earth, making the poor poorer, the sick sicker and creating wars, instead of peace in good time.  Sadly, there must be one more battle before justice is served.  Now, where is she?”

The towering Lu walked with thunder on the earth for she was now a long cat.  As she approached Sol, she hit him with a lightening bolt as she addressed him, “I’m right here, daw-lin’!”

All the creatures who roamed the earth shook with unspeakable fear.  A deafening gasp from the crowd permeated the air.

“So, we do battle again!” Sol growled and grew immensely taller, not appreciating being struck with lightening.

The two long cats began to battle and as they did, the earth shook with great earthquakes, rocking tall buildings in large cities to the ground around the world.  Tsunamis raised thirty to fifty feet in the air, drowning seaside cities and ports.  Finger of God twisters sprung up in tornado alley cleaning everything and everyone in their paths, dropping them in northern Canada.  Hurricanes took out vast areas from Buenos Aires up into Southern Arkansas, as rivers backed up to the Great Lakes, causing vast flooding.  Lightening flashed brightly and thunder rumbled loudly as volcanoes erupted spewing lava over the earth.

As the two battled for sovereignty, the humans screamed with horror as the earth shook and waves splashed over them, pushing them hundreds of feet away from where they originally stood.  The huge tornados, fires, and storms all over the earth caused terrifying cries from all the animals that roamed the planet.  No one on two or four legs was left standing in the wake of the battle.

Finally, a door opened and Sol threw Lu back into the darkness, only to shine the bleakness of the nocturnal.  “I’ll use the key to keep her there this time,” he announced as he locked the gate to the murky depths.  “She won’t get out until she learns to behave herself.  Now, to take care of my dear humans and other animals…”

Sol looked around at the devastation on the bloodied, blistered, and bruised earth.  He sighed deeply, as he saw all the unanimated bodies lying on the smoldering ground below him.  All the two and four-legged animals, whom he created out of love and once roamed the earth, were dead.

“Guess I need to breathe life into them again,” he mourned, “but first, since Lu is back in her place, I must clean up and make Mother Earth habitable again.  I will make all things new again for all my humans, as well as the other creatures.”

At that moment, and to his surprise, he saw several multi-coloured cats walking toward him.

“Who are you?” he asked them.

“We are Legion,” they chorused in unison.

“Oh for Horus’ sake!”  Sol exclaimed loudly.  “You’re supposed to be in the darkness too and I just locked it.  Well, I guess this is what I get for being the Alpha and Omega cat, the Beginning and the End, the Bright Morning Star…”

“Ramen-Ra,” they sang.

“You know,” he thought aloud, “its noon.  So how about some lunch?  I’m sure we can find some rats and if we’re lucky, we might find some dry cheeseburgers and cookies around here some where.  After that, I’ll put you to work doing some cleaning while I breathe life back into my people.”

“Ra-Amen.”

About Mriana

Mriana is a humanist and the author of "A Source of Misery", who grew up in the Church of God, Anderson Indiana. After she became an adult, she joined the Episcopal Church, but later left the Church and became a humanist. She has two grown sons and raises cats. Mriana raised her sons in the Episcopal Church, but in their teen years, they left the Church and she soon followed. One of her sons became a "Tao Buddhist" and the other a None, creating his own world view. She enjoys writing, reading, science, philosophy, psychology, and other subjects. Mriana is also an animal lover, who cares for their welfare as living beings, who are part of the earth. She is a huge Star Trek fan in a little body.
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